Cut It Out

I feel like a roar clouded over by the talking of random strangers on a much too sunny day.

I’m cutting it out, as much of it as I can
It was all trash to begin with
been keeping me pouring
blood into rivers
whitewashed away
unnoticed and deluded

I was wondering if the medicine was actually making faces easier to get along with
the cynical side of me roasting in the bottom of my heart
screaming to be let out like most truths should
I knew it was there, burning in shame, alone
and i missed it, the lies making my eyes go dark

Yes, i’ve been lying to all of you, everything is not so simple
but it’s time to cut it out, mod podge it into breadcrumb trails soon to be forgot
It was all nonsense really, a panic attack and a long fuse lit by new beginnings
too many morals broken in one moment
a new me awoken too fast, no coffee, no snooze button, go, be this, now.

I hang myself a victim of making myself the victim, of letting it all slide down,
taking out street lamps, knocking over fences, ruining perfect lawns, gardens

watching it, it’s all fine, i can definitely fix all of this on my own, you know me, lone wolf,
i can do better.

and I’ve never felt so sick so often, like nothing is better than anything, my body a truck stop in Idaho, my brain unplugged and restarted multiple times a day, like water makes me dehydrated and food is devoid of nutrients or nourishment or comfort, cigarettes are my fuel and coffee my electricity, love is the uneasy question that may slip away from me, the dying romantic inside makes me grin, just a little.

So, i’m cutting it out, ignoring it like the child that it is so that i may enjoy the simple pleasures of my age and the beautiful ignorance of my self, ignoring it so that i can have my libido and my laugh back.

Admiring the stranger on my bed at 3:02, the morning, after a long night of serving up smiling masks and pancakes, tofu benedicts and hot fig green tea, of lying all day only to finally feel allowed to hear truth come out of my own damn mouth to this stranger on my bed, 3:03, the morning.

The first fine days of summer do this to people i suppose,
maybe i’ll bloom correctly this year

Maybe i won’t hide.

 

What It’s been

It’s been harmless, i little bit quiet, guilty
listening to Mahler, listening to the dryer
confused about the world and its politics
wondering whether or not i should waste my time
taking medications now, feeling up, keeping up
I wonder what would happen to me if i dropped them
would i be some shattered mirror on the ground?
would i be frightened again of the outside world?
im exhausted from this speed as the momentum carries on
tired of talking and of being the good man with a steady job
i have blisters from sweeping and mopping
i have burns from cigarettes
im well fed and waiting for a call that i might just ignore
always hyping myself up for the red button
silencing ringtones, silencing my past
silencing you

reading these books as if im going to gain some power from them
like im studying to be something im not quite sure of yet
i feel bored and restless and yet nowhere seems like my kind of place
less pining and less delusions make jack a dull boy
am i losing my romantic pieces?
have i ever been a poet or is this just some depressed kid’s journal?
it feels like ill never know what im really up to with this life
or if im up for what i should be up to
im this fly bouncing off the window
on the other side is the truth of what i really could be
but i keep dying every winter season
reborn with this insane gusto
then back to the window again
bouncing off the pane

Id like to see some magic
but sometimes i wonder if when i see that magic
ill just roll my eyes and feel annoyed
this veil of distrust is over my crown
you aren’t magic
your ego is just full

Licking my lips in the rain

The walk to work is getting shorter and shorter as the winter keeps getting closer and closer
it was a cool 57 degrees out today i stood outside without a hood and watched the dull blue sky
raining, i was deep in thought and i realized i was licking my bottom lip rapidly thinking about Gertrude Stein
ive never read any from her but what Wright says goes now that im in a reading fit
prescriptions upon milligrams upon itching upon moisturization upon clearness and steadiness
nightly pops and morning chugs and the walk to work is getting shorter and shorter
as the winter keeps getting closer and closer

Im glad not being anything in particular right now where i am in my life
alone and secluded a recluse full of pride and hazy dreams of multiple possible futures
raising my self anew and quiet silent waiting and doing the rest for my search home
tangled up in oil paintings and women falling in love every day with backs of necks and legs of all kinds
sex dreams cant go back in sleeping less but feeling well kept up in the grind
opening flowers while reading bukowski’s animal crackers in my soup
almost weeping keeping control and then masturbating to his pornography
nightly dancing and oh mercy playing in my flood while the walk to work is getting shorter and shorter
as the winter keeps getting closer and closer

burning off an on and in and then out and restless shaking active limbs pounding drums
fishing for a good time but my line is yet to be in and i sit on the shore admiring the life of it all
the water creeping with the wind no waves clean resting on the thin layer of suds
with who do you want to dance until you believe in god and the bible and conjuring of realities
no im sure not fading and your waiting for some response but the door is closed and that damn knocking
it makes me feel guilty like i have a debt owed like i wrote a check last a long time ago and it just now bounced
like i promised someone my soul and now they are coming to check and see if it’s still theirs
but i have learned to love all of my soul and its shortcomings and its world lived
you cant have it and you wont see it like you once did and im not busy thinking about you while the walk to work
is getting shorter and shorter
as the winter
keeps getting closer
and closer

i cant drink and im not fucking and i want to read but the damn lights are on and my bed is vibrating
and the sun is yelling and the people are grinding gears and singing and whistling some shit tune i dont know
while im hard as a rok in my bed pulsing with love for the passion in my sleep
alarm goes off
snap click pop slug im off
and the walk to work
is short
and sweet
not quite long enough
and the winter is coming
its starting to raise its knife
to my face
laughing
and im laughing right back
ive been looking for a way out
go ahead and do it

What would interest you?

It’s simply me here
nobody else, i am not projecting some kind of character
its just me
in a room, with baby blue walls
i looked around earlier, a panning shot of these walls
this brown carpeted floor
and everything looked just fine where it was
i thought i would clean, or maybe i would put a record on
but it all just needs to stay where it is, and i need to be here
its comfortable in here, dim and easy to get along with
lay in here sometime, sit with me, we do not need to talk
i promise you that
i enjoy the sound of the fan spinning
i get joy out of just feeling you near me, another vibrating cycling mind-fuck human

What would interest you?
What could make you smile?
i want to see your eyes glisten
truly

I dont know, neither do you

off my hinge
less and less waiting
fall onto your feet, love
learning something in the scenes
bring that lantern you always carry with you
and share the gold you find hidden down there in that cave

this mountain sure has been a journey, if only the weather stayed persistent
but climbing this humongous head wouldn’t have been the same, had there been clear skies
glad you found me on the way down, i don’t know if i would have made it without your vibration
i was nothing but rags, you gave me that warm delicate spin
dried off nice and easy, a few stains, but who doesn’t?

been thinking about my purpose
wondering when the magic people will reveal their selves
only if you do first!
my impatience settling down to a hum
still learning to not look for what i want
just make a spot there for yourself on the bench
& soon you’re chosen

but i was told by a starry-eyed stranger that
i could not only want
but even ask
so my dreams start to bubble up with
what i want to become
and what i want to see in my future
pulling back drapes
staring in the sun
bright lights of empty change cups
replaced with beautiful words
and healthy presence
lifting and learning
sheets of rapture
causing effects to live by

so what? you think you are big stuff?
think standing so tall is going to make them dreams appear?
right there? right in front of you?
little godheads and their tales of eternal bliss

life should be a constant surprise
you know nothing

Chicago

led there by chaos
same reason all the rest of them are where they are now
just a feather in the breeze
gum on a shoe
pinball in the machine
wish you could tilt, don’t yah?

and it all was this behind the lens movie-beast
right there in front of him with scanning eyes
and a stone face, so quiet with his bottle
easily led and now where are you?
you let the breeze take you too far
but keep going
this is when it gets good, pally
you’ll be learnin’ somethin’ they’ve just never heard of
and when you’re looking at the stars
they’ll be starin’ at bubbles in their broken coffee cups

ah, this city’s so romantic
with all of its open windows, and those fire escapes to the rooftops, baby
we’ll drink wine up there and watch the lights go out
and when it’s all burnin’ orange and foggy
and our eyes are all wet and smilin’
we’ll be back in our skin, kid
back in the world, swimmin’

keep it up, all those cracks won’t fix themselves
let’s not forget you’re hopeless, pinin’ away
i know you never felt that way before, mama, just tell it like it will
those big glass eyes wont offer you a passin’ glance the way you’ve been projectin’
you’re messin’ it all up son, this feature isn’t so clear
where’s that violet dress, where’s that warm cup of tea?
who are these actors and actresses anyway? they just playin’ themselves?

that music isnt going to save you sweetheart,
and young pigeon face ain’t hearin’ your heartbreak
wipe away that darkness, sugar, wipe away those questions
what have i told you about spinnin’ them wheels?
the lord must have put somethin’ inside of you, left you to buckle under that weight
young atlas
black and blue boy
who put those bruises on you and your friends?
and why do you seek each other?
i taught you to do everything by yourself

who are you talking to?
who is talking to you?
what is this voice?

i feel it, diabolic
like some kind of shadow
like a ghost haunting passion
staring at the screen
with that blank pale porcelain face
picturing himself as the speechless actor
behind the locked gate

So far, so good, Chicago

i see you with you’re tattoos, making love to that sky
showin’ me how to keep my back straight
how to keep that glide in my walk
fixin’ those holes in my boots
sometimes all i can think is, “you’re pretty”
and you know words never meant a thing anyway
right, my brother?
you catch me drifting?
I know im not the one
but boy could i use your peace of mind

waste of lungs, if you ask me

did you come looking for a practice round?
did you come looking for practice?
i bet you found all your set ups around here
all starry faced and dreadlocked
i bet you are on your way to purpose, you beauty
you tree
you’re lightning through my nerves, you feel me?
I’ve already been through the whole thing, the whole scene
there ain’t no reason to find me now, but ill be keepin’ up
buggin me,
you haven’t been watchin’ me have you, baby?
no, you look to cool and casual, floatin’ in seats, sippin’ your dreams
writin’ your love in poetry, you don’t have snake skin,
you’re just light

yeah yeah, i know, just bouncin’ around
just sleepin’ awake
just fishin’ for a good time, just havin’ fun
look it, out there, you see that, dont you?

sad sad sad, awfully sad
then you’re fine, and then you ain’t got nobody, buddy
i know you feel there ain’t no reason to complain
i hear you, darlin’
there sure ain’t enough sufferin’ to go around
you share that now, you share
you be just fine
you sleep now
sleep on this city’s lap
keep your head up young one
you’d think he has a crown of thorns
you’d think that boy has cancer
ain’t nothin but what is, babe
ain’t nothin but right now with me
It’s just you and me, baby

what is it you wanted?

feelin a little cleaner are we?
still breathin aren’t yah?
i hear that wheeze but you gonna be just fine, doll
i can hear it in the air
i knew when you walked in the room
been dealin with it, holdin it back
know what im sayin?
keepin it for yourself
then you started sayin those words
oh my, those words were hateful
all bullshit this and bullshit that
with that train goin by over our heads
you talked right through it
you heard yourself
and started cryin’ like you needed to
my dear goofy friend
get that devil out of your ear
listen to those song birds singing out
over the corn fields
clear your mind child
you dont have to be here
but i want you to breathe
through your nose now, hon
out your mouth, good
In… One
Out… Two
In… Three
Out… Four
that’s it
a little shinier now

now, baby, get to work, smoke that city down to your fingers.

 

 

Lyric Problems

you be the monster
scare me when i turn off the lights
and you,
be the robber
take my wallet
take my selfish thoughts
and know
when you want me to change
ill stay the same
but when
im lost
its impossible
for me to stay that way

indifference
is catching up with you
indifference
is catching up with you

you
cant see through
when im on the job
i hold it back
but when
im off
its easier to break the glass
i know
that i dont know
keep me balanced
keep me off the ledge
cause the sea
it rocks with infinite possibility

but indifference
is catching up
with you
indifference
is catching up
with you

_

The monster
the airwaves
the mystery man
who i lived with
in a castle
with spiral stairs
with orange peels used as ashtrays
id talk
but he wasnt there

as the ghosts of
east lake street
slip on the ice
the ghosts of
east lake street
running red lights

piano bars
wine drinking
while rapping with a king
quiet one
guitar his gun
singing in the weeds
and he told me
that when i played
the devil
was inside
me

as the ghosts of
state street
walk right though me
the ghosts of
state street
dont care if i sing

_

get my life together
call my friends down
in illinois
who knew me when i felt better
when i wasnt feeling frozen in a lie
when i wasnt serving scrambled eggs
every morning at 7AM
when i wasnt staying inside
agoraphobic with my
cigarettes
i guess it was a matter of time
before i woke up and realized
that there has been no difference between me
being dead
or alive
ive been silent with the moon
not a thing
could bother me
inside
my face made of stone
i was better off alone
with the night
wouldnt dance
wouldnt sing
couldnt shouldnt could not be
alright
help me with my heart
could you please?
that would be real nice
im sick of being like this
its selfish and its sad
am i right?
help me on my feet
clean me up real neat
i wont fight

i just want to be
out of this slump you see
and i dont know
if i can do this on my own
id sure like to be
a happy rolling stone
lost and free
lost and free
lost and free

_

Im gonna leave earth
for awhile
auto pilot without denial
out of touch with the truth
nothing to lose
cause when im all alone
in my apartment
i struggle to get my shoes on
will i have to fake it?
what am i missing?

Are we just imaginary
Is this just a show
on some other planets TV?
you might think you are the lead role
you might think you are the lead role
you are
you are

I thought i should change the world
just a song or some words would light the fuse
but im waiting in line
my voice unheard
and once i thought i was a god
that everything was in my heart
turns out i was right
and you’re one too

Are we just a plot device
written in to add some spice?
you might think you are the lead role
you might think you are the biggest fool
you are
you are

Another Breadcrumb

I feel alone right now, and i hate to feel that way. It feels wrong to have this feeling, mostly because it is most likely my fault. Anyway, i have been a bit gone again, i should be packing my things, i should be quitting my jobs, i shouldn’t be so whiny. I’ve been so tired, constantly sleeping, yesterday I came home from work at 3pm and slept until 11, woke up for around 3 hours, and then slept until 7AM, went to work feeling empty headed and spacey. I took some time off from work, and that time went by extremely fast, of course, but when i got back to work, it felt as though months had passed. The people there were angry, frustrated, deadly, zombie-like. I had nothing to say to anyone, i used to be a caring server, one who would chat up my tables genuinely, i wanted to know what was up with them, now, i ask for drinks and walk away, ask what they’d like to eat, walk away, drop food off, walk away. No conversation outside of this. It’s a numbing feeling, i feel detached, but it feels like i need to be detached. This detachment happens often in my life, its a way of hiding from everything, seclusion and isolation in my own skin. I don’t want anyone to know who i really am during these detachments, do i even know who i am right now? I’m this actor full of stage fright recently, i don’t want to get attached to my audience, i wish i could wear a mask everywhere. Anonymous. I keep telling myself to start saying yes, to all of these things i get invited to, parties, conversations, coffee, meditation, yoga.. i say maybe to all of it, and then flake out. I am a flake. I’m just expecting so many different things, it always starts off as good expectations, and then slowly as the time draws near to be the guest of life, these expectations turn sour. It’s this “I dont have anything to say” thing, this “I dont want to make friends” thing. It’s annoying, truly. I think im really scared of attachment right now, im terrified of trusting someone, which is scary in itself. I need to get over this stuff, its a real burden on time, a waste of life that could be spent dancing. I also think i need to get laid. That is all.

Breadcrumb Trail (?)

On my way to this cafe i knew i wanted to type something out and i didnt know if it was going to be a part of this trail i just kind of wanted to write about whatever but since this breadcrumb trail has been happening and this is actually a breadcrumb of my life from when i started this to whenever i am going to end this i decided to go along with what i have been doing the past few writings i just went through a few other blogs on this site which i dont do as often as i should because it turns out the people who have decided to follow me on wordpress all have interesting hearts and minds and i would like to get together with all of them on an oriental rug with wine and music and just stand around not judging each other and we would talk about a painting on the wall and what it meant and we would talk about a song and what it made us feel and we would be sexually open and mentally open and speak our minds wholly about every topic that came to mind like some Linklater movie or one set play and we could finally let go of all of our troubles and be completely free and blah blah blah its true its what i am yearning for right now a group of people that i feel connected to that seem to know me before they have met me a group of people that i knew in another life if we want to get poetic the kind of people that you dont want to regret not talking to when you saw them passing by on a street and their eyes made you choke up a little and you realized that he/she was no stranger he/she is the reason you were born albeit just one of them and there are others but they might be so far away that if you dont explore the world you wont ever meet and they are unhappy and they dont know why but its because they miss you without knowing you and its not just romantic or a fairy tale its real without finding them you might have just fucked up creating a portal to your perfect world right now as im sitting here typing this there might be a person that is everything i need right now and i might just need them for a moment but instead im typing this and im not just going to stop typing this or say okay im done im wrong in ignoring the moment around myself’s presence not right now because i am not in tune and this is the reason i started writing this breadcrumb trail to get out of this autopilot and look around me and be aware of the beautiful presence around me i keep missing out on all of these conversations that could send me skyrocketing towards Paris or Spain and i dont even care to leave the country right now i missing out on a short moment in time where i am completely in love for the first time even though i had always thought that i had been in love before i could be missing out i could be missing out and i could be missing out 

Breadcrumb trail VI

Today started off pretty horribly and i thought it wouldnt because i had been drinking a lot of fluids and tea and had had enough sleep and had good dreams if i remember right and i know i had dreams because of the large amount of peanut butter i had last night which always seems to make dreams happen for me not that i plan it or anything ive just started noticing and i also thought i would have a good day today because of long distance phone calls from far away fairy god parents and they seem closer every day all of a sudden and it really is all of a sudden everything in my life lately has been all of a sudden it went from one moment to the next everything did and im not quite sure what to do about so i guess ill just do what happens and i just finished down and out in paris and london and now im reading slaughterhouse five and they somehow really blend into eachother and half way through reading it today i see that he is being compared to orwell by some critic and i guess that just makes sense and iim so alone right now and that just makes sense even though it doesnt feel very good and i was supposed to go to a show tonight and i just ignored the phone call and the text message and the facebook message and kept reading and looking for what record to play next and i cut my own hair today and im not sure whats going on in the back but i have to say i did a good job on the front and that just happened all of a sudden too and three days seems like a month days seem like weeks and im moving somewhere and i dont know where and i really need to shut up this person inside of me who is crying and depressed and lonely and desperate but maybe him being desperate has helped a little i dont know all i know is that certain facets of my life i am slowly eliminating and i am changing i am really changing and i dont know who this is typing because its definitely not the person who wrote the poem before this breadcrumb trail although he is right behind me and you know i had to start typing this after i was reading this book that sat on my shelf a long time before i picked it up and i dropped it after reading a few things and had to type because it started talking about time traveling and that keeps getting brought up and maybe i need to do that or something maybe i really can travel to the good moment and ignore the awfulness of what could be or will be or what has been and just live there in the good moments after i realize how terrible being in those awful moments are maybe this has all been a test and maybe im in time traveling pilots school and im getting closer to graduating atleast maybe im in my last years of school or something well that sounds like gibberish to me a little and i shouldnt be trusting those thoughts so lightly and i shouldnt be trusting anyone who has talked to me in the last 6 days and i should be alone and enjoy it what is it about records that i can listen to so many in a row all the way through its so easy to make a stack and have it finished and it feels so nice and music is wonderful and its great that it never ends and having all of this music on my computer is such a waste when i can have it right here in this room with me continuing by my hand and yeah love love love it and all that but what am i gonna do tonight im glad i have work tomorrow it will be good to get out for a couple of hours and see something else and see other people that expect something specific from me and its easy and i can make them happy easily and i think tomorrow will be a good day despite all the bad thoughts surrounding me like fucking piranha im kicking at them and really trying to meditate on this boat but my blood is dripping all over i need to tape up these leaks i need to quit flooding snat its trickling i need to hold face together and dam the snat there is snat and there is face snat is like water but invisible it can become violent and pop a brick and thats just from a book i read i wouldnt want to say all of that without saying its not really from my brain but somebody elses right now a dixieland album is playing and i think it is helping my mood from earlier and its been played twice now and i talked to a friend on the phone today as well and he will be moving into a house soon and i am happy for that because that is really what he wants not that it was always what he wanted but he is choosing that life and it was an easy choice for him to make and it happened he created that reality and thats great and i am envious of all that can do that so simply and make things happen like that because they know what they want to happen and im just not sure what i want to happen it really just comes up blank and i have so many different paths that maybe i should just close my eyes and throw a brick behind my head and see where it lands and head that direction forever and never get off it until i reach the end which will hopefully be bliss for all but it will probably end up being bliss for everyone but me or something like the twilight zone episode with the monkey claw and each finger has a wish for you but there is always some crazy consequence and i would wish for bliss for all and it would give bliss to all but me and i would be stuck looking at all the happy people telling me how to achieve bliss and i wouldnt understand and i would try to hold back that i gave them that bliss and they didnt achieve it all they only achieved it by being someone i love which is everyone even though i wreak of hate and cynicism sometimes and its just the effect of being in a difficult position and this position was created by me on accident and id like to get out of this position and i might be working my way out but it will still take awhile supposedly im going to be just fine and that this will all get better but i dont remember the last time it got better and for it to all of sudden like everything in my life lately would be pretty unbelievable and that would be great but for now i guess im just going to keep living this obvious life and see if that takes me towards the light or the happiness or the nirvana or the waking up bull crap that i care so much about and yet have no idea if its bull crap or exactly what i need but i havent achieved it because i dont trust anymore