Another Breadcrumb

by theobviouslife

I feel alone right now, and i hate to feel that way. It feels wrong to have this feeling, mostly because it is most likely my fault. Anyway, i have been a bit gone again, i should be packing my things, i should be quitting my jobs, i shouldn’t be so whiny. I’ve been so tired, constantly sleeping, yesterday I came home from work at 3pm and slept until 11, woke up for around 3 hours, and then slept until 7AM, went to work feeling empty headed and spacey. I took some time off from work, and that time went by extremely fast, of course, but when i got back to work, it felt as though months had passed. The people there were angry, frustrated, deadly, zombie-like. I had nothing to say to anyone, i used to be a caring server, one who would chat up my tables genuinely, i wanted to know what was up with them, now, i ask for drinks and walk away, ask what they’d like to eat, walk away, drop food off, walk away. No conversation outside of this. It’s a numbing feeling, i feel detached, but it feels like i need to be detached. This detachment happens often in my life, its a way of hiding from everything, seclusion and isolation in my own skin. I don’t want anyone to know who i really am during these detachments, do i even know who i am right now? I’m this actor full of stage fright recently, i don’t want to get attached to my audience, i wish i could wear a mask everywhere. Anonymous. I keep telling myself to start saying yes, to all of these things i get invited to, parties, conversations, coffee, meditation, yoga.. i say maybe to all of it, and then flake out. I am a flake. I’m just expecting so many different things, it always starts off as good expectations, and then slowly as the time draws near to be the guest of life, these expectations turn sour. It’s this “I dont have anything to say” thing, this “I dont want to make friends” thing. It’s annoying, truly. I think im really scared of attachment right now, im terrified of trusting someone, which is scary in itself. I need to get over this stuff, its a real burden on time, a waste of life that could be spent dancing. I also think i need to get laid. That is all.